FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
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My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Have a lovely day 😊
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?