“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
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i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
that wasn’t the question
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
😂😂
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)