So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
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Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Baller is short for ballerina