Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
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[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.