Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
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My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours