I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
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ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Thoughts
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.