Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
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My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.