Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
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keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!