Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
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Me recordaron éste meme
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Super Hand Dog Face
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.