I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
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HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
People buying plungers never look happy.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I want what they have
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Best table by far