Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
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Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
You learn something every day
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat