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Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Friday night party time 🥳
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Jesus Christ lmao
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy