Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
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Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
jesus christ confetti not now
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.