Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
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I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Why is everyone getting married at me
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
“Huge”.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
are they though??
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
#gardening
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.