C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
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[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.