me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
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If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
New favorite tiktok
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.