12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
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So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.