If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
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Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope