I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
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falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
forgive me baja for i have blast
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man