ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
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I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.