So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Something Saturday.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
sensitive skin
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
scrabbled eggs
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.