Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
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This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life