Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
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Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
😏😏😏
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes