You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
You Might Also Like
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I falcon love using swear birds
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.