CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
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Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
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My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.