Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
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A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
BRAKING NEWS!!
Finally
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.