Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
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Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”