My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
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“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.