[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
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Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.