Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
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Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
*limbos away from your hug*
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Erm I’m gonna say no