White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
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my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.