Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
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[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people