me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
A fake ID that makes you younger
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Do not levitate over flowers
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?