I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
You Might Also Like
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.