I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
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Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I read today that there are people who don鈥檛 have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i鈥檓 over in the cereal.
wife: but i鈥檓 in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Her: What鈥檚 with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 馃檨
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I don鈥檛 know I guess I always thought Spock would鈥檝e had more ear hair sorry to get political
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She鈥檚 a nurse apparently
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife鈥檚 clothes standing in the mirror.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It鈥檚 classier and doesn鈥檛 drain the car battery.
Me: Hi, I鈥檇 like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.