Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
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It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.