If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
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[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”