Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
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My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG