I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
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Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.