(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
You Might Also Like
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
According to math, I’m broke
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.