Computer: shutting down
Me: same
You Might Also Like
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
🙁
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge