My background check bounced.
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Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*