Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
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As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!