This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
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[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I don’t think my car can fly
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.