Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.