Good news
You Might Also Like
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
pizza
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.