The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
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I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Why font matters.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes