Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
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Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”