Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
You Might Also Like
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Has science gone too far?
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
buying dead houseplants to save time