Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
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God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.